I have talked a lit­tle bit about sign­ing up for the Craft­ing My Life course that Amber Stro­cel is facil­i­tat­ing.  I signed up because I’ve been at home for almost six years.  I had a job that was s0-so before I had my first son.  I don’t want to go back to that job.  For a long time, I was okay with that.  Then, grad­u­al­ly I was­n’t.  For a long time, I won­dered how any­one would want to do any­thing else when they could choose to stay at home.  (I know how that sen­tence sounds.  I real­ly do.)  I could­n’t imag­ine want­i­ng to do some­thing else.  I even imag­ined myself still stay­ing at home once my chil­dren were all in school.  Then, lit­tle by lit­tle, that start­ed to sound less and less like what I want­ed.

First, I real­ized (because of our mis­sion and playsheet in week one of the course) that I want to be real­ly good at some­thing.  I want to feel com­pe­tent and to be good at what I do.  I real­ize I’m a great mom to my kids, but there are very few days when I sit back at the end of the day and feel like I have a good han­dle on what it takes to moth­er com­pe­tent­ly.  Most days I feel lucky that I end the day with three hap­py, healthy, won­der­ful chil­dren.  I feel lucky.  I don’t always feel like I caused or cre­at­ed that out­come.  In fact, some days I feel like I have three hap­py, healthy, won­der­ful chil­dren despite my actions not because of them.  (This does­n’t hap­pen every day, but I think we’ve all felt like that at some point.)

Then, in week three, we talked about role mod­els.  Now, I’m not one of those peo­ple who can say that I have role mod­el, and I want to fol­low direct­ly in his/her foot­steps.  I don’t have any one per­son I look to as “it” when it comes to find­ing a role mod­el.  I have a friend who is an amaz­ing moth­er.  She is calm, respon­sive, kind, gen­tle, lov­ing, and she is a great role mod­el for me when it comes to deal­ing with my own kids.  There is a cou­ple I know who takes time to express their feel­ings for each oth­er and show their appre­ci­a­tion for each oth­er.  I have a friend who is very intro­spec­tive.  She’s very self-search­ing, and she’s also real­ly hon­est about shar­ing what she finds.  I have a friend who start­ed her career in one area, left that job to have chil­dren, and is now in the process of mak­ing a plan to pur­sue a sec­ond career when her chil­dren are a bit old­er.  Real­iz­ing that I admire these peo­ple has also helped me to iden­ti­fy areas where I would like to change my life.  In par­tic­u­lar, I real­ized that I want a career.  When my kids are old­er, I want to iden­ti­fy an area of inter­est, pos­si­bly return to school, and pur­sue a career in that area.

Right now, I have a cou­ple ideas about what area(s) I might be inter­est­ed in when the time comes to pur­sue a new career.  When the time comes, I hope that my ideas are firmed up a bit and pro­vide me with some sort of path.  Until then, I’m enjoy­ing hav­ing these real­iza­tions a lit­tle at a time.

The last thing that I have real­ized is that life isn’t some­thing that hap­pens to me.  It is a choice I make. I know that there are things that hap­pen in our lives that can change our plans in an instant.  I’m not think­ing about that so much right now.  Right now, when I say this, I’m think­ing more about the “I’m bored” feel­ing and how I’m always tired but nev­er get to bed before 11 type sit­u­a­tions.

On a reg­u­lar basis, I say to Kael, “This isn’t some­thing that is hap­pen­ing to you.  It’s some­thing you are choos­ing.”  I need to hear my own words!  Instead of get­ting stuck in a rut or wan­der­ing around look­ing for “it,” I need to start mak­ing some choic­es.  Sure, if I don’t know what “it” is, I may not find it, but I can choose to enjoy the jour­ney!

If you’re feel­ing some­thing like what I described or if you’re feel­ing your own sort of wan­der­ing feel­ings, I high­ly rec­om­mend­ing Craft­ing My Life.  It has been great so far (and we’re only half way through!).  It has giv­en me a rea­son to sit down and think about some of these issues in my life.  It has also giv­en me some tools to take the steps to do it.  I am so excit­ed for the next six weeks!  I can’t wait to see what else I can find out about myself.  🙂