I have talked a little bit about signing up for the Crafting My Life course that Amber Strocel is facilitating. I signed up because I’ve been at home for almost six years. I had a job that was s0-so before I had my first son. I don’t want to go back to that job. For a long time, I was okay with that. Then, gradually I wasn’t. For a long time, I wondered how anyone would want to do anything else when they could choose to stay at home. (I know how that sentence sounds. I really do.) I couldn’t imagine wanting to do something else. I even imagined myself still staying at home once my children were all in school. Then, little by little, that started to sound less and less like what I wanted.
First, I realized (because of our mission and playsheet in week one of the course) that I want to be really good at something. I want to feel competent and to be good at what I do. I realize I’m a great mom to my kids, but there are very few days when I sit back at the end of the day and feel like I have a good handle on what it takes to mother competently. Most days I feel lucky that I end the day with three happy, healthy, wonderful children. I feel lucky. I don’t always feel like I caused or created that outcome. In fact, some days I feel like I have three happy, healthy, wonderful children despite my actions not because of them. (This doesn’t happen every day, but I think we’ve all felt like that at some point.)
Then, in week three, we talked about role models. Now, I’m not one of those people who can say that I have role model, and I want to follow directly in his/her footsteps. I don’t have any one person I look to as “it” when it comes to finding a role model. I have a friend who is an amazing mother. She is calm, responsive, kind, gentle, loving, and she is a great role model for me when it comes to dealing with my own kids. There is a couple I know who takes time to express their feelings for each other and show their appreciation for each other. I have a friend who is very introspective. She’s very self-searching, and she’s also really honest about sharing what she finds. I have a friend who started her career in one area, left that job to have children, and is now in the process of making a plan to pursue a second career when her children are a bit older. Realizing that I admire these people has also helped me to identify areas where I would like to change my life. In particular, I realized that I want a career. When my kids are older, I want to identify an area of interest, possibly return to school, and pursue a career in that area.
Right now, I have a couple ideas about what area(s) I might be interested in when the time comes to pursue a new career. When the time comes, I hope that my ideas are firmed up a bit and provide me with some sort of path. Until then, I’m enjoying having these realizations a little at a time.
The last thing that I have realized is that life isn’t something that happens to me. It is a choice I make. I know that there are things that happen in our lives that can change our plans in an instant. I’m not thinking about that so much right now. Right now, when I say this, I’m thinking more about the “I’m bored” feeling and how I’m always tired but never get to bed before 11 type situations.
On a regular basis, I say to Kael, “This isn’t something that is happening to you. It’s something you are choosing.” I need to hear my own words! Instead of getting stuck in a rut or wandering around looking for “it,” I need to start making some choices. Sure, if I don’t know what “it” is, I may not find it, but I can choose to enjoy the journey!
If you’re feeling something like what I described or if you’re feeling your own sort of wandering feelings, I highly recommending Crafting My Life. It has been great so far (and we’re only half way through!). It has given me a reason to sit down and think about some of these issues in my life. It has also given me some tools to take the steps to do it. I am so excited for the next six weeks! I can’t wait to see what else I can find out about myself. 🙂